I didn't say she couldn't, I said you shouldn't.
The handjob she gave me was better than the best blowjob I've ever gotten.. Just imagine the possibilities.
I've never seen so many strippers at a funeral...
he was playing drums on rock band as i poured bailey's into his mouth. tell me that's not a bonding moment.
Fucked Zombie Jesus at a Halloween party. I need Plan B before I give birth to the Antichrist.
I think I was using my hair to catch my vomit last night.
You were.
Your lack of enthusiasm for my exciting news of drunken debauchery with an otherwise occupied vagina of one of my greatest conquests yet disturbs me. I'm not happy with you
She keeps feeding me drugs. Its like I'm her baby bird or something
bringing my vibrator into the shower with me. if I don't text back in 30 minutes I have electrocuted myself and died.
May the force be with you.
Oh god. I just had a sex dream about the talking dog from the Bush's Baked Beans commercials.
I just coughed and my vagina hurt. We need to hook up more.
Came home from this girls horse at 6am to find a guy lighting off roman candles in front of my door. Best walk of fame I've ever had.
Yeah we invited her back for chicken nugget sandwiches
I need to stop agreeing to hang out with people when I'm drunk.
I know it's 10:30am but Finding Dory starts in an hour, and I have four points of molly. You down?
Randomize
