College reaches a new low. We just carved a shot glass out of a potatoe.
His housemate was playing a sad violin solo for me on my way out. God I hate musicians.
you were drinking a pitcher of what you called "16 loko" and making everybody guess what the secret ingredient was
Pissed along side the highway while waving at all the traffic... if thats not a sign of a productive night to come then idk what is
Why is my drynk life bleeding into my real life
How would I get in touch with Carly Rae Jepsen if I wanted to thank her for the loss of my virginity?
She's like an enigma, wrapped in a riddle, tossed in miller light, inside a question. Nobody can explain a Heather.
Apparently I've told this bouncer I stalk him on Instagram 3 times. I should stop drinking. I only remeber saying it tonight. early sign of Alzheimer's
That's what he gets for shittin at the strip club. Who does that??
The real estate's complaint had the words "loud squealing at 2am" in it. Then I remembered that was me spoon feeding you guys old potato salad while you screeched like baby birds. Great night.
You took motorboating me in public to a whole new level. You poured your beer down my top and LAPPED IT UP.
When the theology professor asked me what touched me most about this trip to Rome, I guess "the guy from last night" wasn't the proper response.
I take Paypal, cash, sexual favors, and roasted red potatoes with garlic as payment. You choose.
So I have three weeks to get rid of his girlfriend and fuck him senseless before he goes to jail
If it makes you feel any better, I can't find the goldfish I dropped like five minutes ago.
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