It's a miracle Ok Typing texts toYou right now
I looooooove Saturdays!!!!!!!
I am absolutely hammered
When I'm drunk i like to pretend my penis is zeus and instead of peeing i'm throwing lightning bolts into the toilet...it helps me focus.
While I was dancing with him in my foil dress he said, "You're like a Chipotle burrito. Don't worry, that's the best complement you could get from me."
I am intoxicated and cannot bring you a burrito. However, if you want to bring ME one...
If I had KNOWN you and mom were coming to visit, I wouldn't have passed out in the frat. This is why I hate surprises.
i really care about you, respect you, another gay word, and another gay word... lets just drink
I want nothing more to get stoned and go to your little sisters petting zoo party but I need to have priorities
She sat on the stairs and yelled sex positions at us. I don't remember if we went along with it but judging by the beer and condoms I'm thinking yes.
The cop told me to answer for everyone if there was drinking involved and then i threw up in my Luigi's italian ice that i was eating with a pizza slicer
He was so good, that I'm pretty sure he fucked his religion into me. P.S. I'm Jewish now.
i have a raging boner for Saturday, day drinking is one of my top favorite things right next to alligator wrestling and blowing shit up
Some guy just ate one of the dog treats. I have him a free beer. I love my job.
I just gave him road head. He came in the Taco Bell drive thru which seems pretty typical for my life.
three of my fingers are bleeding and the only thing on my phone rn is a google search of 'Allison Janney'
I just realized this morning that my fridge is stocked with coronas, hot dogs, and cheese dip. And I just got waxed. High-five, your best friend is on track to be all kinds of slutty fun this wkd.
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