MY DAD AND I ARE ON OUR WAY OUT OF FLORENCE AND I JUST SAW A MAN AT A BUS STOP WITH A GIMP HAND SLAP HIS DAUGHTER ACROSS THE FACE WITH IT.
And then I watched some old guy get arrested for meeting some other old guy for a blow job. It was epic.
the 3rd commandment: and god said, if you buy a handle.. you must finish it.
Making the executive decision for drunk you to not sleep in the lofted bed that has no ladder
Whatever you gave me is making me lactate
Just orgasmed in canada. I should get a sticker or something that says I orgasmed in a different country.
Come over, I want to eat cookie dough off your dick.
I refuse to fuck a guy who needs a coozy for his beer. NOT EVEN IN DESPERATE TIMES LIKE THESE.
What are you wearing tonight?
The colors of the winddddddd
"willing to pay anyone fun whos willing to hang out and laugh at my jokes while my friends are MIA" is this to desperate?
I am thankful for thumbs.
Because without thumbs, we would be dolphins.
Land dolphins.
She left a blunt and poutine on my nightstand with a note saying "went to the gym. be ready for round three when I get back" I love Canadian chicks
On a serious note, don't let me forget to tell you about firecracker baseball. I'm glad I have my fingers. I had to count them.
I can't believe my vagina just got wished happy new year
He walked in on me masturbating and on my phone but got mad because I wasn't watching porn just tweeting
Randomize
