I wish Pampers made couches for people like us.
I feel like vodka or no vodka, you'd still be trying to button your cat into your comforter
Go to petsmart and tell me if the dog trainer is the guy I slept with friday. Thanks.
like stop trying to get a relationship out of this when i'm clearly in the drunken mistakes part of my life.
I inspected his penis with a mini flashlight to check for visible stds...he was clean
whatever buzz i had immediately ended when i saw her run through a sliding glass door
you know I love you but I need to see your friends tits
I'm sorry but I have WAY too many sex/ hookup related bruises on visible areas to be going home tmrw
I dunno what the deal was, but you spent about an hour trying to put your phone charger in the outlet and you were yelling "one plug to rule them all"
We just don't discuss our relationships. It's pretty much like we're single no matter what to each other. And I'm okay with that. ¯\\(ツ)/¯
Oddly enough, the sex change dream i had made me miss you more.
My roommate is downstairs drunk, smoking, and listening to a self help DVD. Please dear God don't let this be the Ghost of Christmas Future.
I put on a tiger onsie to initiate sex... It worked
I offer naked tickle fights and orgasms and you call it trouble. I call that Christmas.
If I hear you use the phrase "silky soft scrotum" one more time I swear to God you'll regret it
Randomize
