i just realized that we are the poor version of bethenny and jill from real housewives... and I'm jill. this is a 6.5 on the depressing scale
at least we're not in new jersey
She just texted me saying, "I wish you were a better person so I could fuck you without regrets"
I told her for every minute she spent down there, I would donate a dollar to the Haiti relief fund... totally worked
i mean i should have known that when i started taking shots with my zumba instructor i was in for a rough night...
i know this sounds kinda weird but his cock smelled like fabric softener. it was so refreshing.
She just tried to talk over a fart. The fart was way longer than the sentence she originally wanted to say so she just added gibberish to the end. Gross
Are you high right now?
is that a question or a drake reference?
She got turned on by my fanny pack full of condoms. I can't believe you said it was a bad idea to wear it to the party.
Question. Was fucking Laura an entirely regrettable decision?
like...quickly.
I'm driving home wearing one sock, boxers, and a tee shirt. That's how good it was
You know you had a good night when you wake up cuddling a baseball bat and a can of chicken noodle soup.
it's gotten to the point where I just look in my closet, think, "which article of clothing behaves most like a towel?" and then just go with that
Let's make an agreement. No drugs until you finish all your homework. I'm hiding them as we speak.
Her son walked into the middle of the living room, took off his diaper, shit on the floor, smiled at me, and walked out, as if nothing happened.
So date night went well?
I had a date last night. His dog threw up in his bed while we were having sex in it.
Randomize
