Come to the Burger King. We're waiting for you.
i found the vodka. it was hiding in the orange juice.
so today I found out that she used to be a he....
are you gonna get a divorce?
Maybe you should have studied instead of worrying about who is going to have sex with you
for future reference: anal bleach BEFORE boozing
Maybe if i steal enough bar glasses i can justify all the money spent i've spent there
Do any of you want to be on a three way call with me while this girl masturbates in 10 min? You can't talk
Dude he's not responding... I'll take that as an unpleasant visit to the clinic
Saxophones in my mind. I swear someone dosed me.
You were drink-wine-from-the-bottle drunk trying to take everybody's blood pressures again.
Just broke into a house and crawled through a window. Upside: getting laid.
Stop acting like the Lucky Charms you're feeding people is actually ecstasy.
Celebrated Veteran's Day by getting a Marine (who just got back from deployment in the middle east) drunk and laid for the first time in 6 months. #Murica
Someone broke into my car last night. Didn't take anything, even left the beer in my backseat. They need to get their priorities straight, obviously.
Oh! I forgot to tell you. Part of that weird ass dream last night. I was jamie lee curtis and I cut off all my hair because yogurt.
Randomize
