I just called a phone sex line and you know what I did? I sat there and cried
have you ever wondered what it would feel like to stick those coneheads in your vaj
omg every time its on
maybe i get so drunk and make stupid mistakes cuz Subconsiously im preparing for my real world debut
when we woke up the fish was dead lying next to us on the bed. wat should i tell her
He turned down a handjob. A HANDJOB. I know I'm no Jessica Simpson, but...
Actually, she's fat now, so...
Fuck. I AM Jessica Simpson.
He is the blood diamond of hook ups. You think you want it...but you don't
It was the night of "what the fuck have you done with my daughter and where is she" texts from mom...
No one ever gets any after sleeping with her. She is like the broken mirror of hookups, enjoy 7 years of blue ball. Don't say I didn't warn you
Technically ya I did. Hes tried to get down my pants like 3 times now and every time I have been all "these are not the Droids you are looking for"
By the way I peed in a mug last night cause you were in the bathroom and im pretty sure it is still in the kitchen.
Hey, you can't rush the perfect creeper shot. I need buffer time to hone my skills.
His roommates are gone so we had sex in every room of the house and watched the wire. What have you done today?
This text constitutes a formal request for sexual congress under the terms of our Relationship Agreement.
Eating pizza in the bath tub while watching a romantic comedy alone. I reached a new level of single.
YOU'D BE LIKE A MERMAID! I'll bring you coffee filters to cover your tits.
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