my mom just informed me my dog smells like cum
People kept wishing me happy birthday last night. apparently i was 21st birthday drunk
Some dude just bet me $8 I couldn't smoke a pack of cigarettes in an hour...It sounds stupid, but I really wanna do it. If I survive, I'll have $8 and it'll look good on my resume.
We need to talk about our relationship.
I just won a bet involving 10 tequila shots. You've got about 3 minutes
and hes going back to rehab like me, so we have common interests
The other night after we fucked we talked about Lowe's vision insurance. Never fuck a coworker.
Yes, she gives me platonic blowjobs as part of our friendship.
There are now half chewed girl scout cookies plastered to my windshield. Do you know anything about this?
Woke up in a wet suit with my junk cut out. In a strange apartment. Just found thing biggest bong u have ever seen. WHERE ARE YOU?!?!?!
Somehow I've got the party rigged to where I get a foot massage every time someone wants a beer out of the fridge. Hellz yeah
My pants are like a grocery bag containing ONLY jelly beans right now.
I feel like the universe head butted me in my balls. That hungover.
.... My lady balls. Cuz I'm a lady.
Today I learned that when you lick a mans butthole, you get wined and dined at a nice french restaurant.
So adding to the list of things my boobs can do, sweeping with a broom is apparently a thing.
In my defense, the second lapdance I gave was because of a dare.
Randomize
