I just farted so loud that my cat got so scared he fell off the couch.
This is why you don't make out with cougars at a bar... I got a linkedin request from her, wtf?
DON'T BE A PUSSY. ONLY 1/3 OF THE WORDS IN YOUR LAST TEXT WERE MISSPELLED, WHICH MEANS YOU NEED 2/3 MORE SHOTS.
One blow job doesn not make me gay.
Well I tried to steal a golf cart. I fought with the Chick-Fil-A cow. And other things.
Woke up to the first three complete chapters of my new novel titled "If My Dick Could Talk" waiting for me on my laptop
I'm gonna wear that dress that makes me look like a slut. You know, the one your sister got arrested in.
I legit had to pull him off my car. Then he texted me saying 'take me places.' Shotgun getting that drunk tonight
All I remember from last night is petting the broom with my feet and feeling like I was standing on a horses head
sex in a tree stand. check.
you lucky bastard
Remember when there was a happier time when people could all hang out together with out the awkwardness of the fact that she stole $1000 and cheated on a brother with another brother !?!??
Fingerblasting some girl on the deck tryna get her to fuck on a lifeboat
Accidentally made a straight guy question his sexuality again. I really gotta watch myself.
just so you know they found you begging for money at the L station. What the fuck did you drink last night?
Best and worst whiskey dick ever. I am hungover and can't move from the hours of sex, he on the other hand has a raw bruised dick. I win.
Randomize
