your transformation into a slut upon entering college is like a shakespearian tragedy
My relationship with VH1 is so bittersweet
After she threw up on my floor she started singing "this is why I'm hot."
I brought red and green boonsfarm to the white elephant party. classy and festive. I think this is what people are referring to when they talk about killing two birds with one stone.
I just inadvertently flirted with my coworker's 20-year old son. I've known him since he was 14, yet suddenly he looked different.
You are nothing if not reliable.
Just wana tell you im wearing assless jorts tonight. Ive been waiting my whole life for this.
Every time I remember you're bi, the world gets a little brighter.
Hes warming up week old McDonalds french fries, putting hot sauce on them, and counting them with his shirt off.
If you're receiving this text it's probably because I drunkenly flashed you on Saturday. Sorry for forcing you to look at my tits. That was uncalled for.
I just want to trick people into going on dates with me so they can bring back to their houses and let me use their wifi.
Drank your wedding present. Sorry
I just used my citation as a bookmark. Want a beer?
I slept naked last night on stolen pillows. I felt like a golden goddess.
I bought a machete, tennis balls, and matches. How is this NOT going to be a great night?
Actually, my eyes didn't start bleeding until the next day. So it was a pretty awesome night overall.
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