I totally give up. Optimus Prime just fell from the top of the Great Pyramid into the hypostyle hall at Karnak.
the number of months ive had a girlfriend in my life divided by the number of blowjobs ive gotten is extremely depressing...
I woke up this morning and the first thing i saw was the harry potter tattoo on his left butt cheek.
It's like if you got one of your titties chopped off...think of how much one would miss the other...that's how I feel when we're apart. A tit with no twin.
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It was like stroking your vagina with a cloud.
I have officially tracked lube all over our house on the bottom of my socks without knowing it. Don't slip when you come in
Definitely just found that pen in the microwave. What the fuck.
This is what you sent me from the other side of the pool, "Idk but thers a pool n l wanna get naked take off my trunks ill paddle with my dick"
You forgot the part where I played Slip and Slide with my own puke and fucked up my knee.
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you kept saying how you wanted to mainline bacardi right into your bloodstream. medical school is doing wonderful things to your brain
Out of all the things you could eat off of my tits you choose lettuce? Thats so healthy. Yuck.
I'm like 89% sure I could get him to buy me a car in exchange for a half-assed handy.
My "lord keep me from stabbing a bitch" prayer has gotten a lot of miles today
Wearing my one sleeve dress...thought you'd like to know I shaved ONE armpit lol
sarah's view on last night: a threesome to make things less awkward. oh, well done.
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