i just discovered a movie that charlize theron is a sex addict. i think my prayers have been answered
there's a sign at taco bell and it says "bacon and ranch make everything better." it speaks to me.
You picked me up and threw me on a barstool and shoved shots in front of me.
Thats like the definition of a good friend
She just sat there, all alone, with a bottle of booze. And the dog. He even looked like he didn't wanna be there with her.
I just figured out, there are 9 children in this world that I can look at in the face and say "I fucked your mom."
halloween is the only time that anne boleyn, the joker, a cowgirl, and a mexican man complete with sombrero and poncho can all hit the same blunt
I'm pretty sure that if I didn't have a gerbil with a shotgun in my uterus I would think i was knocked up cuz all I want is hot sauce
Last awkward moment of 2011: your ex gf grinding on me in front of her husband.
Well I'm currently debating between getting toilet paper or getting my eyebrows waxed so... There's that
There are people taking shots out of a turtle shell.
you got coffee,laid,and a sandwich. that never happens when I work
Whiskey and tits go great with anything. Especially fire.
You gotta own your makeout pics Matt. They're like badges of honor
Do you think the hole in the ceiling will count against our security deposit?
Omg I just looked in my purse from last night.. 10 bags of gummy bears.
Randomize
