I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
walking on gravel proved too much for her barefeet so she traded her bra for some guys sneakers.
I sold my books for weed money!
Finals don't start for a week...
Where'd you guys get the alcohol from?
Oh. Some homeless guy we picked up from I-70. He bought us $400 worth of alcohol in exchange for a shower.
...... wtf.
For future reference, when you see people who look like Rosie O'donell, do not tell them they look like Rosie O'donell.
i just was bootyclappin in front of homeless men in a back alley
Alright whatever you say... But in the future when you really wish you had a dildo don't come crying to me about it.
I was about to attempt a citizen's arrest on my RA
Happy cinco de mayo!! Puke filled sombrero in the lawn needs to be picked up and whos never punched my fence boards in half needs to replace those by the way the owner of those panties (see attached photo) anytime you wanna cum over;-) hiii!
I don't know what's wrong with me. The guy from bar rescue is making me horny
I'm sorry for breaking our door. And being a bitch about it.
Sara can't come to the phone right now. She's currently having an in-depth conversation with a flower pot.
He just flipped the beer pong table and set the ceiling fan on fire things are about to get crazy
Can I come kidnap you from work so we can chug mimosas? My little brother has a ski mask I can borrow.
He woke me with blue berry pancakes and a blow job. He's a keeper.
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