You picked the wrong day to call in sick. She's wearing the librarian glasses today.
So random guy from last night came over tonight. I told myself I wasn't going to sleep with him but he had some killer dirty talk and a big penis in his arsenal...what was I supposed to do? Supposedly he lost his virginity to his wife and since their divorce a year ago I'm the 1st girl he's slept with, I feel like I just re-took his virginity...I feel like a rockstar.
Is my tampon string too long for this dress?
please tell me that the half empty jar of cocktail sauce on the table has nothing to do with my missing seamonkeys
She's like the Michael Jordan of alcoholism
Please explain why there is a video of you peeing in the Taco Bell bathroom on my phone? Also why did you wink at the end?
Pretty sure that molly fried my sinus infection away; i regret nothing
He used a trumpet as a funnel, said something about valve oil, and puked all over the garage.
Remember the golden rule, wine is for baths, and beer is for showers.
Come on, will you just fuck him so we can watch Star Wars.
Got 3360 Shoppers points for buying Plan B. I guess this all worked out for the best.
Why is there a business card for people who need bail bonds in my wallet...
its 11:20. i'm drunk in class flying paper airplanes for my final. what the fuck is my college experience right now?
Also I literally googled "how to fold socks" so that's how my day is going. How's yours?
I honestly think sometimes all you need is a $2 alcoholic punch poured from a jug into a big glass to feel better. I guess abblebees is my new problematic fav
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