Who knew that being in a committed relationship is the same thing as forced celibacy? Did not sign up for this.
you have to be so drunk to ignore a taser
her moans were so awkward that i kept asking "what" when she'd say my name...
I just duct taped myself into my costume. I apologize in advance if you find me in a compromised position involving duct tape and underwear when you get home tonight
Are you two whores ready for me to turn the light on so you can see what you came home with last night?
I am not betting on the failure of any friend that is not you.
Couldn't find my swimsuit top anywhere this morning but finally found it in the skimmer of the pool so thats how my night apparently went
Best case scenario: sex with hot bartender \nWorst case scenario: no sex and punched by tattooed guy that may or may not be said bartenders boyfriend.
I just bought a bong from a hot dog stand.
I sang Sweet Caroline with a homeless man and made him 25 bucks. Redbull vodka gives you wings!
I have someone saved in my phone as "This Hoe Ain'tit' Loyal" and I'm missing my superman boxers. Explain.
I mean, you have to swipe right on someone you had sex with last week though, right?
The zombie version of you bit my friend's hand. No more zombie crawl for you. Not ever.
I fucked your neighbor. Welcome to the new apartment!
He forgot how to sit. we had to pick him up and set him down.
Randomize
