I just barfed on his mom.
You told him you were too drunk to meet his parents. Totally his fault.
We just all danced like dinosaurs in the center of the dance floor.
Don't ask how, but I'm pretty sure my name is now on a lease to a taco bell franchise in maryland...
Your scrotum should have touched every square inch of that place by now. Start with the water fountain.
These 33 Eskimo Brothers Boinked The Same Person And Couldn’t Be More Proud
I am soup sandwich. I have been at dAnce party
We've reached the point in our fuck buddy relationship where we are playing words with friends. This is too intimate.
Its only 9:11 and I just somersaulted through a window. Its gonna be a good night
So for future reference.... it's a little unnerving when I can't get hold of you, and the last communication we had was, "Oh fuck... It's tequila"
If you're not on crutches for breakfast, I'll feel like I've failed you.
17 Inappropriate Things People Did With Instruments
You know it's been awhile when the imagery of fucking AT A DENNY'S gets me really turned on.
17. The number of times my one night stand told me he loved me.
So far I've taken two naps, went out and bought a pizza called the Hipster, and in 15 min I'm gonna make a snow angel. Conquering Snowlandia. How bout you?
Did you take the full box of samoas or do I not remember getting baked and eating half a box by myself?
I only get hit on by people going through their midlife crisis. Yes, I did purposely write that gender neutral.
That's like a fucking falcon or some shit. I don't know birds but I know that is not a bird you fuck with.