Funny, my mom didn't get it when I said 'that's what she said' after she said 'it's so thick, it's impossible' in reference to my milkshake
Its already bleeding so dont be alarmed after you bite it
i wish sherlock holmes were still around today... he'd be able to find my g-spot.
Suite mates just came in and said that we have to go to Africa. They're already packed. Didn't know you could get that high.
My choices this week make me realize that I need to copyright the term "cock buffet"
apparently i'm really good at getting wasted, having sex all night, getting multiple hickeys and oversleeping father's day brunch. this is the third year its happened.
he swears he got herpes from a bowl of soup
I have Retrograde Ejaculation as a side effect from one of my meds. Is this a respectable form of birth control?
He drew a bath for me. It was only cute until he started throwing in celery and calling me soup.
I watched you fall asleep, sitting up, eating a cinnamon roll. You proceeded to wake up...smile at your cinnamon roll, ask it how it got into your hand and then began eating it again. You asked me if you were ridiculous last night, define ridiculous.
I couldn't find pants for like 20 minutes so I was butt ass naked just sitting on your floor
It's amazing how hard it it while drunk to not comment "fuck you" on dumb peoples' statuses
.......he just venmo charged me for the burrito I was eating while he broke up with me
When they said they were gonna tattoo each other's gamer tags on their asses, I knew I no longer had a boyfriend.
You went on the date? His pickup line was I swear I'm not a serial killer and you went on the date???
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