I think my vagina is haunted
I just counted my steps so I know when you start looking for you on my way back from the bathroom
You know how us drunks love counting steps
you just started pointing at the light and whispering "star wars"
It's shit like that that makes me wish being deaf was contagious
23 Bosses Confess The Craziest Thing They’ve Seen An Employee Do
I woke up to her staring at me in a corner moaning over and over again about how good the pie crust tasted
I'm going to a foam party and gonna grind someones dick off hayy
I paid your cover too so you're on the list as tits mcgee. You're welcome :D
Just made nicotine water. Ithink i'm having a heart attack.
just peed in rthe mens room but seranaeded them with adelle the whole timee so they didnt mind
19 People Confess What It’s Like To Have Sex With Someone That Is Transitioning
So hungover. I'm getting too old for trolloping around in disco shorts going shot for shot with well behaved underclassmen in an effort to lure them to the dark side of alcoholism and liver failure.
He's the only guy without a tacky accent I've seen in this southern dump in 6 months. Bangage was inevitable.
You're such a Yankee.
Sitting in bed reading a porn novel off my phone and accidentally just made Siri start reading the most graphic part aloud. FUN FIRST NIGHT WITH THE NEW ROOMIE.
How was my night? He had a picture of his mom on his night stand and he yelled "Papi like" when he came. Fuck tequila.
My face feels like a midget just gave birth to quintuplets
I just got CPR certified, don't make me need these skills so soon