Just realized our kids will one day call us old because we were around when texting came about. I'm sad.
you announced to the whole room that instead of shaving you were planning to start straightening and then braiding your pubes. awkward silence followed by everyone leaving.
You told me to hold on because you had to barf like a dinosaur.
Just dropped $150 at the liquor store. No power and two feet of snow has taken my alcoholism to another level.
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I asked her if she wanted to make this a permanent exclusive thing instead of a fuck buddy thing, and she just looked at me like I'm an idiot.
That's because you are an idiot.
does it count as a threesome if she tried to blow the dude who was passed out next to us?
for once, the $56 i am about to pay for plan b was actually worth the sex.
I think I will be cutting those pills in half...Jesus just tried to sell me a toothbrush.
Just found out I own a pyramid. Fuck your good grades, I'm living in my pyramid.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Tequila is never to blame. We all make good choices under tequila
I'm like a hairless cat ready to be ravished
It says something about our relationship that he stole your phone to tell me about his dick at 3am and neither of us realized that wasn't you until just now
Sex and compliments. The way to my heart
I'm currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
just to let you know, that was probably the funniest text i've ever received.
I suppose that kind of helps fill the void where my self respect used to be.
I was trying to decide if i was still high whenever i realized i was pressing the buttons on the microwave cause i liked the sound.
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