I would have been "that girl" at the party last night if it wasn't for that girl who puked in the potted plant...
incase your class ends early, there are three naked guys in our room. but don't get too excited, they're all gay.
Partial kegs from last night are currently in my bathtub, which leads me to 2 questions: 1. What are you doing tonight? 2. Can I use your shower?
We're going to shave my junk and take pictures of it wearing fake mustaches we found at the dollar store. They're uncannily realistic; much better than the cockstaches of my youth.
I woke up to find that chris drank one of my contacts.
Yeah he's good at that.
Oh shut up man. Once the police get involved its every man for themself.
Jail is not for me. They portion control your meals and I don't really like that.
He asked me how france is treating me
Tell him you got so much dick you may never come back to the US. That ought to keep him away
I woke up today in my boxers hugging a log and realized that I think I've gotten close enough to nature. I really need to stop doing shrooms with you
Sometimes you have a glimmer of a heart and then I immediately remember you are dead inside.
I refuse to go to a doctor for a sex injury, not when I've come so far already
Turns out, it's impolite to repeatedly request Seal "Kiss From a Rose" at bars
Three times. Three times I left home yesterday in search for sex, and three times I returned un-orgasmed.
I threw my back out having sex last night. I don’t know whether to high five myself for a job well done or cry because I’m old.
There's a difference tho. *I* drink at seven in the morning because I work graveyards. YOU drink at seven in the morning cause you're an alcoholic.
Randomize
