Last night was an abortion. I might need a publicist.
Let me rephrase. Would it display my intentions too much if i walked all the way across my office and into the bathroom carrying my book
Planet Earth isn't gonna get stoned and watch itself.
I'm at the grocery store, it's 10 am and the woman in front of me just bought 3 boxes of wine. She turned around and told me not to be afraid
Gonna send a picture of my negative pregnancy test with the message "Merry Christmas" to the guys I've been sleeping with. That alone, will put a huge dent in my shopping list of gifts for people.
Welcome to a new world. May the gods of weed smile upon you as you embark on exploring this new dimension.
i projectile vomited shoeless at 7:30 a.m. in a taco bell parking lot. never again.
I swear to god if I see a single piece of genitalia I'm driving back to LI and smacking you back to the Italian Renaissance
O was like, nah, fuck 50-50. My version of bi is that i'm 80% gay, 20% drug-addled decisions. Apparently he's straight on hallucinogens.
Have you ever got so drunk that you tasted the future?
Maybe whip a sausage around while you do it and pour some beer on you. Like a German white snake video
I just realized, you're dating a guy named Jameson. That is another level of whiskey dick.
Just by hearing the girl outside reciting the info on her fake ID, I know it's gonna be a good night
So today the police came to my dorm to look for weed, i didn't have any in the room, so i let them in. they apologized for any inconvenience and then left after finding nothing. then i realized i was wearing gauges with weed leaves on them lol
No I'm not lying to you. I'm just not telling you the whole story. There's a massive difference.
Randomize
