He seemed more like the type to get donkey punched by a she-male hooker to me
oh my god im such an asshole. i just asked the guitarist of bad religion if he was a scalper.
im starting to measure my showers by the number of beers i drink while im in there.
Sorry you had to hear me puke. I didn't know I called you. Was it graceful?
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You can't be mad at me for wanting to drink though, it is the reason we're engaged
I would explain the ketchup stains in the bed to him but saying I just got my period is so much less embarrassing...
Ok. I am hammered I will admit it but my legacy needs to live and your the only woman that could spawn satan. We need to talk.
It tastes like you we're too lazy to shower and instead just sprayed yourself with Febreeze.
You have a very discerning palate.
But seriously. What possible excuse could I come up with to ditch my parents on Christmas to go fuck him?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
This electrician is just ripping my house apart and I'm too hungover to ask questions
Whatever. I'll take my new fine ass dick sucking nails elsewhere.
I just pulled back the shower curtain to reveal Cinnamon Toast Crunch and a spoon in the bathtub. Ambien is a hell of a drug.
I'll be an awkward "I've had the grooms penis in my mouth" presence and we can party our nipples off.
Would it be inappropriate to meet you at the airport after your family vacation so I can tell you all about the amazing sex I have been having?
Remember that Czech tennis player I brought home from beer pong and banged on your couch last year? He just booty calle me. From the Czech Republic.
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