Probably should plan this out. Step one: grow stache. Two: get trenchcoat. Three: Kidnap Selena Gomez.
I had better be fucking involved with step four.
I actually kind of like the booze poos. It's like a colon cleanse. I feel skinnier.
I'm gonna answer everything she says with 'cum on da face' until she breaks up with me...great idea or greatest idea?
I looked at the bar tab this morning. The bartender added a $25 'customer asshole fee'. I have no grounds to dispute it.
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On the couch having a debate with the dog over whether eating anothr sweet roll will make the hangover better or worse
He crawled in my bed this morning, ate me out, and even brought me a panera deli sammie for lunch at school. I don't care what he lied about, all is forgiven him.
Only you could be admitted to the ER and walk out with a nurse's phone number. I wish I was gay
Oh god I may vomit into the teacup of debauchery.
Who had my phone last night? Whoever it was sent "Fuck you, you're adopted" to half the people on my contact list.
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Casually on the bus at 830 in the morning with a box of cheezits and a bottle of fireball sticking out of my purse....
just found out that she named her cat after me.
I'm considering having a threesome with my friend just so I can sleep with his boyfriend and not feel guilty about it.
Pretty sure my idea of standards went out the window when I hooked up with a guy who had a rooster tattoo with an arrow pointing down to his no no bits. Think about it.
the girl whose rug I peed on is here
A good example of deductive reasoning: Knowing that when my girlfriend texts me "I promise not to smoke all your weed!" that she is...at that VERY moment...Smoking All Of My Weed.
Randomize