I'm at some bar in brklyn... just made out with a guy named Owen.
He is a pre-school teacher... just sang me a song about weather.
Just boiled hotdogs in bongwater. NOT a good idea.
Dude.. I don’t care how hairy she is, you already left me at the bar, and now I have to find another fucking way home... NOW BE A MAN ABOUT IT!
how do you tell someone you stalk them in a non-creepy way
you don't.
How do you say "I'm not pregnant in Spanish?"
She fell asleep on the sidewalk and people starting using her as a hurdle
I just found what appears to be a tooth in my purse...anybody missing one?
VODKAVODKAVODKAYESSSS
I'm drunk and you're awesome. let's stay this way forever.
If you wake up soonish don't worry. I took your dog to burger king and now we're going to see some nice girls.
Drunk in burger king. Having it our way. Free fries. M&m sundaes.
I just text my one night stand Happy Easter on her way home...now would be a good time for the lord to smite me.
Tony's mom to him at breakfast: "I found the shirt you wore last night in the bushes this morning."
Your dick is the only reason I have motivation to come back to school today
he told me he had a gf and in the very next sentence asked if I wanted to have sex.
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