dude, i woke up naked in her front yard...apparently i tried to leave in the middle of the night, forgot my clothes and decided,"oh heres a nice patch of grass to sleep on" I think god is up there laughing at me.
Awkward medical moment of the day: A very obese girl with a disorder that literally makes her hit herself punched herself in the face. Literally. While screaming 'MCDONALDS MONEY'. Right. Beside. Me.
I'm still amazed at how you managed to puke in every plant on the whole top floor at the mall without a single person noticing and without missing a step.
Well it's 2pm. Time for another game of "Who, What, Where". The game where you try to guess who this girl is, what happened last night, and where'd your shit go. I'm going for 1/3 today.
That's better than I've done so far.
Looks like I've become the Walter White of my PhD cohort.
I still don't like him. I'm also filled with alcohol, so I'll revisit the statement in the morning.
I don't know what song to play at my bong's funeral!
I wouldn't be able to live with myself if I blew a Trump supporter.
Welp just ran into my high school history teacher while buying a pregnancy test...there goes my veil of innocence in this town.
Gonna be late for work. Sex comes first. Priorities.
I can't believe I haven't fucked an Elvis impersonator yet.
i like him enough to wash my sheets.. but not enough to finally get that pink lemonade and vodka slushy stain out of my carpet
Nothing screams "crazy cat lady" like a nursery in your house when you're over 30, single and have no kids.
Its like my group of friends and I are all dating and we're all just a bunch of Swingers, is that normal?
To the woman who just heard me unscrew my flask in the Denny's women's bathroom at 10am: discretion isn't required but greatly appreciated.
Did you at least share?
Randomize
