i checked my sent messages this morning and i had apparently tried to text the bar, saying "idk what i drank, do you?"
mom just texted me "hawaii ambien". those are like the two things she talks about to keep me interested in spending time with her.
Just threw up in my seat during the national anthem. Probably not good.
You do realize there's a subtle difference between not remembering your outfit from april 17th of last year vs forgetting that last night you undressed in the street and were grabbing every dick you could reach, right?
Oh nbd. She just had sex with a divorcee. On a charter bus. At 10 a.m. On a Thursday.
you left me with this keg alone. this is on your hands
I AM TEN TEQUIA SHOOTS ON AND I JUST SAW SOMEONE DO A BODY SHOT OFFF OF JESUS
THIS FEELS SO WROG AND OH SO RIGHT
Today, my boyfriend informed me that I look like my dad when I orgasm
I feel like this has turned into my work. But if I get paid sitting under a desk, that's perfectly fine with me.
Just tried to do a line with a snorkel I cut off... that is how my Aruba trip is going!
orgy was averted by karaoke, thank god
The 666th photo in my phone is of him and if that's not a sign that he's secretly the Antichrist, idk what is. Also, bring more rum.
He is a beautiful butterfly covered in tattoos and naked.
One of my nipples looks nothing like the other...i don't know how this happened
Woke up way too warm in the middle of a spooning sandwich. Was working up a rant about still not wanting a threesome. Then I realized the littlest spoon was the dog. Might need to break up anyway.
Randomize
