I can tell how much and what I drank by my morning shits
naighbors jacking off again. i swear its his friday night ritual, its like he knows the night wont be ending in his favor
Chick took off her bra in the middle of class cuz it was "too hot." How's going out of state feel now?
He likes Jesus. Game over.
Oooh wait, he just told me he was high.
More likely there's a very shell-shocked cat wandering around somewhere, covered in potato peelings
I just saw a dude sitting IN a bush, weeping and playing a harmonica. I hope your day is going better than his.
Remember when I said "no boyfriend, no problems"? I lied. Tequila. Tequila is a problem.
They broke our car window and then wrote "great night" on the next
Woke up naked on a bed full of money, doughnuts, and keys that weren't mine. Unsent dick pick on phone, and cheap cigar butt on my pillow. Also...I maybe hotwired my car.
I might be the strongest willed bouncer ever. Earlier tonight a girl flashed me trying to get in. I just replied "Sorry I'm gay", she believed me and left.
Yeah I was just reminiscing about that time a seagull shit on your head at the beach
This drink tastes like mosquito repellent.
My life is pants optional.
don't think less of me for this, but i'm pretty sure he did a line off my boob last night.
I just saw a chick driving drinking a juice box smoking all while on the phone that is talent
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