I hope to God it wasnt poon. That odor was unnatural, it was satanic pussy.
i've decided to use this saturday afternoon to take care of my pube situation
These people keep looking at me like I'm the first person to ever eat ribs in a Home Depot.
just found glitter in my belly button...seriously when will this nightmare end
When did you hit me on the head with a stool?
well, I was going to forgive her anyway but not because shes my best friend and moreso because shes my drug dealer
Seriously, you can't give someone's wife an orgasm on the dance floor of a gay nightclub and then hang out with her husband the following week
Will give head in exchange for a Netflix password. Serious inquiries only please.
Buying a pregnancy test at Walmart in the middle of the night in the middle of Tennessee is not really how I imagined my 25th year on this planet starting out...
I want to go out and have good clean fun.
Ok, but that does not include Bud Light Platinum and your vagina.
Because bro, I don't want your dick being touched mid conversation.
Tom just texted me he's Tindering from his hospital bed while they're running heart tests on him.
That's dedication to the game.
I spent two entire hours explaining to a guy why I wouldn't make out with him. How was your night?
I wrote myself a note last night telling me to tell you that you're the best person ever, and asking you not to tell me what I did, I think I'm trusting my drunk judgment on that one.
You shoulda seen me try and clean up custard from an eclair off the floor while trying to pretend to be sober for my mom. Fucking hilarious.
Randomize
