you should just get pregnant. that way you don't need to decide on a career.
anyone who buys me chipotle gets an automatic hj
so he was shitfaced and kept using sticky notes to label everything like "beer spill" and "going to fuck later"
there's a guy in the del taco parking lot doing pushups. let's be his friends
Guess who is playing his new drum set when his roommate gets home to teach her a lesson about binge drinking to the point of being taken to the emergency room?
This guy keeps going off in the metal detector. When is it appropriate for me to punch him in the throat just in case?
I just had sex over my oven then high fived the guy. It's going to be a good year.
Drugs are gluten free tho, right?
He came over in a blaze orange vest with a case of beer and a shotgun yelling about "Dove Season" then passed out in the lawn. There he lies
When you're not at your house I assumed you're somewhere having sex
You know you were way drunk when you wake up at 7 AM halfway on a couch, tangled in a sheet with your shoes still on.
I just sugar scrubbed my vagina. If I don't get laid tonight, me and the universe are gonna have some problems.
Never ever make a tattoo bet. I now have a shamrock on my dick.
Dude I woke up with a handprint shaped bruise on my ass, a pong ball in my cleavage, and somebody else's gold chain around my neck. Who's house am I in?
The next morning I found her spread eagle asleep on the living room floor and he was asleep with his head in her crotch. I needed a ride and had to wake them up.
Randomize
