The doctor said 'youre the 2nd youngest person that ive seen with this condition. Thats probably not the silver medal you were looking for today.'
How many times can I tell him I wasnt expecting sex before he realizes I'm just too lazy to shave all the time?
I owe her a pancake or a second hand orgasm
You could breast feed yourself wine!! This shit is genius!
1. Are there men involved 2. Is there food involved 3. Do I have to put pants on 4. Do I have to leave this bed
Just realized how sopa could affect my ability to watch porn, son of a bitch
So he says to my dad "I'll pull out of your daughter but I'm not going to apologize". Yea, my night was fun.
We're going to work out tomorrow I guess but it usually consists of doing weights for 10 minutes, then saying fuck cardio and going to Taco Tuesday
Guess what I'm doing tonight? Tacos and strip chess.
I feel like my vagina was punched by chuck Norris, a Brazilian chuck Norris.
As long as he continues to be our subleaser and continues to fuck me, I think it's acceptable for me to steal a piece of bread here and there.
Her boyfriend offered to buy me a vibrator. I'm not sure how to feel about that.
I feel like I don't even know what's gonna happen when we first see each other. It'll be like explosions and glitter and a unicorn will run by pulling a sleigh of alcohol and sex.
Bachelorette party buss just rolled into down town. DTF, "horny hotties inside" and "show us your dicks" written on the windows....this could get interesting.
All of a sudden he got that look on his face and ran to the dance floor and started fist pumping to Rihanna that kind of night
Randomize
