we got our roommate high for the first time. He went into his room alone and watched Malcolm in the middle for three hours
got hammered last night, woke up this morning to 38 texts that varied from "you fucking asshole" to "i can be there in 10 minutes"
He told me he finished so fast because he's a sprinter. I hate athletes who are really just pussies.
I'm starting to blur the boundary between reasonable senioritis and self-destruction. Somewhat-openly hittin the flask in 11am class
Euphemism? No, "pantsless vodka yoga" is a legitimate pastime of mine
He was handing out home-made business cards that read "finger slamming bitches since 1986"\n
The joke is on me because whale penis is forever in my search history.
Worth it.
Let's be honest I'm gonna watch murder she wrote and eat taquitos at three am
I tried to flirt with him by saying "catholics are cool" and he handed me a cup of water so i called him jesus and thanked him for the wine
Well I didn't know she was a dominatrix...so I kind of just went with it
i don't know how to react to you in a diaper crying and calling a football 'sadie'.
video games take priority over anything else you can offer me.
I see myself subsisting on tequila for the next several days.
girls shouldnt black out with american flag bandaids on their nips
I just put together something from IKEA so that’s mandatory oral for a week.
Randomize
