Oh fyi, I gave your card to a homeless guy last night and told him you were the world's hottest blonde girl who only likes black men...Sorry
Who keeps a bong in their car??
Kids who graduated high school two weeks ago.
Just had a girl agree to give me a blowjob in exchange for wearing my jacket during class. Talk about successful negotiations. Best day of my life
Judging by the fact that my hair was glued to my head with vomit, yeah I think I couldve used a friend last night
you took my bottle from me saying i was unprepared for its magical qualities. then you buckled it in the backseat.
The timing couldn't have been better if I planned it. His mom walked away, I vomited in their mulch, and then his mom came back and offered me bread.
She's like an enigma, wrapped in a riddle, tossed in miller light, inside a question. Nobody can explain a Heather.
I bet he'd be real motivational during sex. And he'd probably make you call him superman.
sometimes, you gotta take him by the hands like tails took sonic, and fly him into the bedroom.
I just had a great idea for an etsy shop. Sell all the shit bitches leave from one nighters
I don't know if I should feel proud or ashamed of myself...ashamed for making myself a drink at 6:15am or proud for actually being awake that early.
You introduced yourself and she said "wow that's a long name" and you went "yeah well you should see my dick."
Yea...Let's just say I gave her the best 3 and half minutes of her life then she took a 40 minute cab ride home that she paid for...
Hey do you care to explain why there are 3 empty pickle jars next to me when I woke up or do I even wanna know?
When do you think the murder is going to happen in this Lifetime movie of ours?
Randomize
