btw, your gf is going to want to talk to you today...and consequently you're probably not going to want to talk to me...just a heads up
I do no wrong. I am always right. Right? I forget why I am sending this. It seemed relevant.
oh wait, my morality sensor is a little fucked up since I almost let my little sister's friend blow me.
when I woke up the last searched thing on my phone was "how to make a fireproof dress" I need to stop drinking.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
found some acid from a couple months ago while looking through christmas lights. Looks like santa came early this year.
So I'm pretty sure I fucked the dept of homeland security guy on my kitchen table. No recollection of it, but there are signs.
I wish i could 80s montage me losing weight
I just had a 30 minute fake cell phone conversation with myself just to avoid hooking up with the drunk guy next to me. its like an art form.
A three fingered guy just showed up with fireworks and bourbon, tonight will be entertaining.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Seriously I just dipped a banana in vodka I really need to stop drinking
DOMA is dead. I'm definitely going to be the last of our friends to get married now.
I feel like the universe head butted me in my balls. That hungover.
.... My lady balls. Cuz I'm a lady.
She's cool and all but if she eats my food again I'm gonna fucking drop kick her ass. No one touches my lunchables. NO ONE.
He started to lick a stick of butter and was calling it Jennifer.
I just woke up with a pair of handcuffs in my pants, can u explain this?
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