$35 all you can drink last night. Friend 1 woke up in a hotel lounge, friend 2 pissed himself and woke up wearing friend 1's spare pants, and my toilet indicates I threw up extensively.
I was about to buy asher roth's album and then i realized he was a ginger. can't support
so i just realized i am an alcoholic. I was making some tomato soup because im still sick, and put vodka in it. sad huh? lets go out!
I shouldn't have to thank you for taking off your captain hat off before we had sex
if you ever get a chance to, fuck in a lecture hall. great acoustics. highly recommend it.
I should put together a new mom basket for her. It would have diapers, vodka, ambien, and tissues for when she cries about her wasted youth.
He is like a dragon that makes me want to spread my butt cheeks, so he can fill me with hot fire.
I had a dream about a vibrator with 42 different settings. If that's not a good indication I need to get laid, I don't know what is
I am gifting my birthday sex to you, but its okay because I can always just have birthday vibrator.
This is the second girl that said she wanted to fuck me while wearing a clown nose. Fuck online dating
I woke up while eating peanut butter from a jar. I don't think I should be social today.
You think I'll get the "I used to stick it to your daughter" discount?
Oh no. Did we do a blood oath again?!
he had to stop me from eating snow off the street on the way back to pick up our cars. that's how hungover i am.
i don't think the phrases "so shitty" & "taking care of my newborn" should be combined in the same sentence. leave it to her to make it possible eh?
Randomize
