Sitting in class thinking wow im glad im not hungover...and then i realized im still drunk.
fyi, if youre wondering if offering a female police officer sexual favors will get you out of a ticket, the answer is no.
If he's dead I'm so gonna get the blame. I have his passport, keys and his tooth in my purse.
Just bartered a McD's cheeseburger and fries for two pitchers. Oregon Trail ain't got shit on me.
I told her I named my penis "The Spirit of Exploration." That's all it took.
btw telling the cab driver, that took you to your booty call that is now returning your wallet that you left in his cab, that you want to hug him is awkward
still not dressed at 5:00, jacking off watching men's figure skating and hoping my weird roommate doesn't walk in. anybody who says idk how to have fun is wrong
If a treadmill opens up I'll run next to him and then fall off so he has to give me mouth to mouth
I can't trust your balls anymore.
Please don't explain what tea bagging is to my mother.
She wouldn't fuck me because I had a cast, so I took her friend home
if i drink i'll go into liver failure but ok
totally worth it, dude its $1 pbr
We've been taking shots, cranking Marilyn Manson, and eating your bacon. Your kid is probably ruined.
you know you should be lucky to find the case to my dildo....that means no more random guys at the house!
ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME! I SAID I WANTED SOMEONE CLASSY AND INSTEAD YOU SET ME UP WITH A GUY THAT JUST TOLD ME HIS FAVORITE PLACE TO FUCK IS ON HIS SWAMPBOAT “THE SLAMHOG!”
I DON’T WANT TO FUCK IN A SWAMP
First of all, his AIR boat is named “Slam Hog” not “The Slamhog.” Second, it’s top of the line. Third, don’t dismiss swamp sex before you try it!
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