Would you feel weird if I asked out ___?
You dont call on our son's bday but you want to know if I'll give you permission to date my best friend?
So...no?`
i'm 85% sure that if you don't visit me i will do something awkward and potentially dangerous to you in your sleep involving chocolate milk and a sham-wow.
I honestly get shocked all over again every time I pull his pants down. It's one of those feelings you never get tired of.
I don't know why people felt they couldn't use the toilet with me passed out in the tub. I shut the curtain. It was like being in another room.
I found her sleepin on the side of the house in the rocks. so i woke her up and yelled at her and she would only come inside if i let her sleep in the bathroom.
She started howling at the moon. That was pretty much the deal breaker.
Dad, is it in any way illegal for me to run around throwing handfuls of lucky charms at people tomorrow?
you're kidding right?
Do you know how to give stiches?
I do not...this text concerns me
How do I feel about a girl who has a g string tattooed on
FYI your bra is now hanging in the hallway as a trophy.
You need to be full form and virile tomorrow so I can live vicariously through your rub and tug.
All is fair in love and war and toga parties
Lesson learned. No more vodka and toaster strudel
I have a story for you. It involves waffles and getting naked with the local weatherman.
I made a separate snapchat account so I could swap nudes with a guy from omegle.
Why do all of your bad decisions sound like fucked up mad libs?
Randomize
