How can i ever say i miss u when u wont go away
the women in the ladies room did not appreciate my innovation of turning a sink into a urinal
the only time i'm productive on weed is when i drink.
sticking your hands in the toilet to wash your face is not acceptable. ever. i don't care how drunk you are.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Currently bleeding through my leggings. Not good. Not good at all.
Hospital.
I am invincible.
some girl just asked me if I was that guy that hooked up with nine girls in one night. officially a local celebrity. gonna try and autograph her boobs.
Good thing I left work early to shave my balls because traffic sucked ass, which I was written up for and my reason on the write was "to close on time, have to shave balls for date tonight". Oh yea, that was a bold statement right there
she gave me her number and i just said "no. cant."
my hand froze to the top of can of beer cuz i fell asleep outside. i decided to find a way to open the bottom of the can before addressing my severe frostbite. PRIORITIES!
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
im In safeway buying a bottle of Ciroc in short shorts at 3:00 pm on a Monday, yeah I don't know either.
I love you, but it's "shark week" I'll make it up to you with naked breakfast.
I JUST LIKE FLANNEL, NOT VAGINAS! OK?
2:34, make a wish! I wish I wasn't on acid at Planned Parenthood. What's yours?
Would you paint my ceiling for oral sex?
My manager caught me going taking a nap in an empty room. Apparently she sleeps there too.
Randomize