i just sent my parents are gone come over I have condoms to my mom because Derek changed my numbers while I was passed out
I just inadvertently flirted with my coworker's 20-year old son. I've known him since he was 14, yet suddenly he looked different.
You are nothing if not reliable.
Listening to Joy Division and applying for Walmart. You get to choose which one is more depressing.
He kept trying to order 'sex on the tennis courts' for a drink last night
they won't let me drive with my sombrero
... Already stepped in vomit and got a dirty look from a fat in a neck brace
How do I tell my child he was conceived on a barstool in South Alabama?
Who invented hangovers? And why did I make out with him and eat an entire can of chilli mixed with hot fries while screaming "YOU ONLY GRADUATE ONCE" last night?
you puked in the bathtub and said "let them pee"
You're a five foot adderall and caffeine fueled ball of sexual frustration and suppressed rage. It's only a matter of time before you snap. We're taking bets on when.
I mean, it's just pathetic when the standard is tinder and he can't live up to it.
I just chased my hot mailman down the street to ask him out and now I am 98% positive he gave me a fake number.
We celebrated Cinco the right way. We took shots of 1800 then he fucked me while Selena was on TV in the background
Yo I'm lookin at the cows. They're just fucking docile things
Idk, apparently drinking five Four Loko's and trying to fight a mailbox constitutes disorderly conduct.
Randomize
