i think he just uses that whole "grew up in a castle" thing to get pussy
He won't talk to me. He'll only communicate using scissors
I threw a jar of pickles out the window at a police car, why was that not a good enough reason to put me to bed?
He woke me up at 4am just to lick my nipple. Then he talked in his sleep for 20 minutes about the sex we just had. I think it's safe to say he's a weird one, but I dont care cuz he fucks like a champ.
Dude, double fisting packs of Ramen saved my life last night
Just saw Santa sitting on a restaurant patio drinking beer and using his free hand to gesture to cars that he's watching them
We left the bar and you kept yelling "ONWARD SCION, TO GLORY!!"
Dude, I just hit your nipple with a bottle of lube while you were wearing a shirt, 10 feet away without my glasses and I only have "not bad" aim?
He FaceTimed me fucking his new girlfriend. He was wearing a banana costume.
leave me alone I'm becoming one with nature and doing plant things
I'm worried about how taking care of my mom's dog while being on acid will go.
When you get this divorce finalized we're going to mid evil times AND pirate dining adventure. We're gonna find you a couple of real men and make them joust/swashbuckle for your affection. My treat.
Like if Ohio doesn't think I can get smashed on wine I will gladly prove them wrong
I'm eating chocolate cake while this guy snaps me from the gym. Like I cant believe i actually considered getting rid of this cake. Have fun sweating ima eat this cake 👌
oh and i figured out why we kept smelling vomit. ive got vomit on my socks. putting the heater on my feet was not the best of ideas.
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