What part of "waking up in the crawl space of my house with a raccoon" sounds like a good night to you?
they made me velveta mac and cheese and fish. I wanna stay here the rest of my life
i found her half dressed with her feet in the washer..she said it was sooo warm.
i woke up to find out i googled the Twilight Eclipse trailer. so either drunk me doesn't know that i'm straight, or sober me doesn't know that i'm gay
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Now he's lighting his socks on fire
Remember that foreign guy who never talked last night? He just came out of my bathroom when I woke up.
I was trying to fart in my sleep in the hopes that he would leave
Hypothetically speaking, when I get a sugar glider would it be frowned upon to bring it Ito classes with me in m pocket?
I want to have sex in my car again before I put the car seat back in
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm going to have to go for it. It's like Mt. Everest. It's large and unpredictable but I live for adventure and it's worth never coming back from. Mt. BigDick.
I went to an adult Halloween party last night dressed as Mrs. Doubtfire, but I woke up on a stranger's couch surrounded by sleeping children in karate gi's. And I accidentally flushed my granny wig mid-puke, so if they wake up I'm gonna have to convince them that I'm just a weird older man and not a terrible cross dresser.
How did you come to this point in your life?
Good bartenders.
My liver can't handle being unemployed!
I may have interrupted sex but im bringing them both to McDonalds. Am I not the greatest older sister ever?
Texting people and counting condoms..we have like fourteen. Goal for this week: use all of them
She started crying because the Rugrats grew up
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