saw you had $9 in your checking acct, left $20 on your dresser so you won't be a whore this weekend
he opened up his "box of magic": a crusty tube of KY jelly, three expired condoms, a fingertip vibrater, and a jar of marshmallow fluff.
he kept telling me that god made these magical balloons called condoms
It was at that moment that I realized I was alone. Alone and drunk on an Epcot ride.
There needs to be waaaay more alcohol in my apartment if I am going to survive being unemployed
Even the bar was yelling boobs, so of course the shirt came off
I just want you to know that I'm, like, 45% hard right now.
She tried to beat the waitress over the head with a bread stick because one of her martini olives was missing a pimento. All while screaming "IT'S GAMEDAY BITCH"
Olive Garden will never be the same.
Woke up to my asscrack filled with melted Reese's Pieces. Halloween parties are so weird here man
I'm just over here all sober hanging with two high people talking about how they're "free-spirited stallions."
Well that was the first and last time I've had to write "divorce party" on a request time off form. I'm throwing it for my mom. What is my life turning into.
Who else will cuddle and watch the Bachelor with me then finger bang me during the rose ceremony
New Orleans is just like you. Dirty but beautiful and will always have a special place in my heart
If I stopped mid-sex because the guy was hung like a light switch, it doesn't count, does it? Like the five second rule.
I just did my taxes to sober up, I'm THAT hungover
Randomize
