The lack of pants and amount of productivity in my life right now is amazing.
Yeah, I just met her and we got arrested together. I think it was a good bonding experience.
just fucked two guys in less than 12 hours. i miss this part of being single.
and by single i mean slutty
why did you let me tell everyone that you can get herpes from the ice luge and then let me do the ice luge?
You found me in the back room alone eating someone else's whole birthday cake with my hands then asked me if you could join.
before we left she put a post-it on the floor next to the toilet saying she was a pretty pretty princess
You kept challenging people to a cartwheel contest...when someone finally agreed, you cartwheeled into some chicks face, then tried to propose to her as an apology. Fyi, she said no
Omg having my Grindr go off at the planned parenthood is just not okay
Don't be embarrassed its me, I've licked your taint.
Speaking of mom and dad and Halloween... Mom bought a size small slutty nurse outfit last night. So yeah, they're getting hammered
I think it's time to give up this life and become vikings. You in?
Last night was great... In the "I got videotaped making out and getting a handjob on the couch in front of 100 people." kinda way.
i knew it was a party when i saw you sitting on the couch naked with the keg in your lap, still drinking and passing out cups
he said he couldn't believe he just lost his virginity and passed out. what have i done
I made the antidote to the nasty cognac. I AM THE GOD OF MIXED DRINKS.
Randomize
