It's really awkward to greet the pastor when I know I've licked chocolate syrup off his daughter's chest.
I mixed the ketchup wit the mustard in one bottle to save time making hotdogs
Let's pretend this is a good idea before I change my mind.
If he's dead I'm so gonna get the blame. I have his passport, keys and his tooth in my purse.
Some girl, somewhere, is going to wake up with my face paint on her vagina
I woke up with no pants, someone elses shirt, but my new years crown still on. That is dedication.
From russia with love. But also with chlamydia.
That girl next to you randomly said that she fits into a queen sized pillow case
WTF.
...if you're living vicariously thought me, that was a great blow job you just gave in the B&N parking lot.
can i text him and be like "oh yeah, forgot i kinda made out with a girl this weekend. For future reference, does this count as cheating?" ?
I just spent 5 minutes saying how beautiful you are and you come back with dont get fat cause you have weird nipples.
Well if you don't want to be kicked out before last call don't I would suggest stop drinking whiskey and don't call the giant bouncer with the neck tattoo "princess"
I'm in the woods tripping balls the water is rising why don't you answer me
Checked my bank account this morning...apparently I went to 7-11 at 4am and spent $22 on taquitos. New all time low for me.
I ate all of them. New all time low for ME.
Because, after all, nothing quite says life in 2020 than doing laundry at 9:40 on a Friday morning to make sure you have masks and underwear.
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