remind me next year to leave the 19 year old girl at home when you're going to pride. total cock block
he just sent me a friend request on facebook. i wish it were physically possible to vomit on him through the internet.
I am no longer a man. I just realized I prefer Spongebob to college football.
Blowing lines off from the book where the wild things are... bad babysitter?
Fucking Canada. At least when they wake up tomorrow they're still in Canada
It's never good when you wake up covered with burns
Dude they even gave me free lube for being tested! Best. Hiv test. EVER.
i feel like the 7 eleven by your house knows our deepest, darkest secrets
Good news. I heard back from the doctor and I don't have a liver problem.
...yet.
She showed me her tits and my first thought was "I want these to feed my future children." I'm scared.
There is pretty much a target on everyone's lips when I am drunk. EVERYONE
That guy has been pretty randomly in and out of my vagina for 4 years...I don't think I'm required to tell him when I'm dating.
Good point.
The only joy I have here is being able to shit with the door open.
The girls said some drunk guy in footie pajamas was asking for me when they opened the doors. I thought we agreed you were gonna stay home and microwave me some bacon.
There's a little game I've come up with since the mess of a party I had; it's called "tinsel or condom wrapper? (or: what's that on the floor?)"
Randomize
