Drawing on your hand and calling it yenifer lopez doesn't count!
Nothing commands respect in a meeting like Jack Daniels on the breath. You're fine.
i popped this huge zit on her back while she was blowing me. it was like a disgusting metaphor for what happened 30 seconds later.
bitch so ugly she owes me an erection
Amanda Bynes on the cover of maxim is my 8th grade masturbation fantasy come to life
He's doing the single life. He recently finished like a 3 year relationship. You can't date him.
But I don't want to date him. I just want to look at him. Naked. And in my bed.
Have you ever straight up just taken a bite out of a block of cheese? Because it's amazing.
I don't know how I'm boarding the plane tomorrow. I have my car registration.
my roommate made out with a guy wearing a squirrel costume, equipped with a blow up tail. time to start harvesting nuts for the winter
Well THAT'S the last time I buy beer and baby wipes in the same Walmart run ... just wanted to shout I USE THEM TO REMOVE MY MAKEUP, YOU ASSHOLES
I think drinking White Russians at half past four in the afternoon is perfectly acceptable. I'd bought a LOT of milk and cream that needs to be used up. Resourceful, check, fuckable, check. You have a great girlfriend here pal.
So hungover. Walked into room and poached their catering before realized in wrong place. Scowled and ate it anyway
At a bar across from the city police station. I PROMISE I will do something great.
you got into a really intense arguement about protecting bees. it was wierdly arousing.
My walk of shame is starting to become positively reinforcing; I stop by Starbucks and when I leave I look someone just heading to work.
Randomize
