Haha so you are never gonna want to meet my mom now...she just found your thong in her front seat
We've finally become those guys who you'd see in middle school when you went to the park who are just stoned out of their minds sitting on the swings.
i'm 6 minutes and 3 drinks deep before she gets here. she's do-able for a wednesday night, but i still need to mentally prepare, ya know?
Just made everyone at my party download the vuvuzela app for iPhone, the neighbors absolutely HATE us
I just washed champagne and tuna off my body. I feel like that was a successful shower.
I should start riding the bus again so I can drink all day
You should've come to the party. It was like an identity parade of everyone you screwed last year.
Also, just had a student offer to sell me Xanax. Want some? Just for like a rainy day. Or our memorial day shitshow. Or just another Wednesday night.
Any day that has a special name thats capitalized means you need to need to call in sick and get day drunk. That's why they are there.
I can get stoned and we can bake and then I can eat 70% of it and it will be awesome
these people use weed stems as birthday cake candles. I'm never coming home
I was looking at the storm clouds during my run and one oddly resembled ur penis
I saved a sauce packet from taco bell that said "Free me" to use in my next break up.
Omg. I meet up with you guys with bodily fluids on my chin ONE time and suddenly I'm a whore.
you were grinding on the cop whispering for him to lend you his tazer.
Randomize
