Wow, your whole life is a joke regardless of the fact that its april fools day
Im too awkward for one night stands. I need to hire someone to come clear them out of my bed before I wake up.
woke up this morning to find the entire staircase covered in marinara sauce, with my roommate practically sobbing and scrubbing the wall with carpet cleaner.
Can we please not be like these pathetic people in their thirties who only get drunk when they go see Sherrill Crow?
We did nothing beneficial to ourselves, or our country last night.
Welp. I just hopped out of his window to avoid meeting his parents... happy monday!
LOVE ME LIKE A KANGARO LOVES A POUCH YOU DUMB CUNT
I think I died last night. I had 14 beers..well 13 1/2 if you count the one that got spilled on the baby in the elevator.
first one here with a pint of chicken lo mein, aspirin, and diet green tea ginger ale, gets a full effort bj the day after tomorrow.
I think god invented us with two hands so we can grab an ass and spank it at the same time.
We were on a plane, I couldn't just grab his dick
I should become a firefighter. Who uses his cock to fight fires. Like a Superhero.
Could you just like have a friend who feels bad for me and secretly always wanted to have sex with me
We both know we're cheating on one another. But our side pieces aren't as kinky as us...so yeah, we're still together. This is a fucked up relationship.
After the day I've had, I can't decide if donuts or fireball would be the appropriate priority.
Randomize
