So I decided to start saving money for my abortion in a tomato sauce jar because it says ‘Prego.’ I know I thought it was fucking genius!
She's the only one so far who hasn't laughed at me naked.... I'm gonna marry her.
My cousin had a baby so we have to look at it. Apparently the event is byob
Just so you're aware, tomorrow is "Slow Clap when you see Mike" day.
Do you want the something i can tell my mom in ten year version or the you're gonna call me a whore but be proud version?
Apparently, we were running around the apartment, singing into pickles, the routinely slapped our passed out friends with them.
Ya these assholes wanted to like sit around and eat cupcakes and watch the notebook. I was like fuck you, I want to go make some people uncomfortable in public.
Imagine cans of beer raining. Like not hitting you and hurting you. Just gently falling into your hand whenever you're sad
But yeah, that is officially the new "I just came" picture
People will say "JOE YOU MUST TURN DOWN" and I will refuse, in the name of liberty.
When you get shitfaced you find strippers when I get shitfaced I speak to woodland creatures, do you see the dilema?
1) break up with him. 2) feel bad. 3) fuck some other guy. 4) feel better. Boom! Life plan. You're welcome.
i don't care if you are my best friend. does not give you the right to describe how well my sister gives blowjobs.
how about your cousin?
i woke up this morning with a fake eyeball in my pocket
So, I need to know. Why did you spraypaint your underwear gold?
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