OMG! Someone dumped chocolate soft-serve in the bathroom! Dibs!
I thought all girls wanted is to get a boner
you want to re-phrase that?
dude, i think we just came across a situation where tits weren't worth it.
Just threw up in nordstroms while shopping for moms bday with dad. He distracted workers for me. No more tequila
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We broke the shower door. Completely off. His roommates were not happy but I sure was
Met my future wife peeing in the men's room. I stood in for the missing door on the stall. We really hit it off talking about how her butt didn't even touch the seat from all the years of squat lifting in high school.
The alcohol just runs so smoothly thru my veins.
Are you kidding me????? How bout, IM SORRY FOR CALLING YOU 16 TIMES AND LEAVING YOU A TWO MINUTE VOICEMAIL OF MYSELF THROWING UP.
I think I'm making a tradition of going to every funeral with at least one sex-related bruise. I don't know how this happened.
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McDonald's and a car nap. I feel kinda human
With my son watching me, I pulled down my pants and shit in her trash can.
I literally heard an 'oh my god' when the shirtless Tongan appeared.
11:30pm - Shots together. 12:15pm Shots together. 12:45pm Shots together. 9:30am Plan B's together.
I just realized now that I slept with him while he was still wearing the maid costume... I've reached a new level of sexual freakness.
I think there is cocaine on my toothbrush.
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