Your face is a jimmy john
Dear Mark, please dispose of your crusty mcdonalds napkins used to jerk it at my desk
discrete masterbation is a lost art
i found her turbo button.....if you know what i mean.
You spent about half an hour trying to convince me that mesh condoms were a good idea.
He wasn't there when I woke up so I left him a heart shaped line before I left.
They ran out of ice at the party, so I fixed my drink with frozen broccoli....the show must go on!
I just found a video of you asking to be a whale with me.
WHAT THE FUCK JASON, WHY IS THERE A FREE BLOW JOBS BY LISA SIGN IN MY FRONT LAWN WITH MY PHONE NUMBER ON IT?! PEOPLE ARE PULLING INTO MY DRIVEWAY!
I can't believe this. 100 bucks says my Botox lasts longer than their marriage will.
There's an owl outside. I feel like he's hooing directly at me.
I'm really glad I had vomit on my sweater when I met his sister.
You know your late night booty call was a huge fail when you go back to your car after it's over, and it's still warm.
No one knows how to work that "I pulled a muscle in my leg" drunk swagger like you can
i just remembered i drunk watched the brave little toaster last night
i had sex with a girl named after a fruit last night and it was the best thing to happen to me in 2020
Randomize
