When the moon hits your eye like a big pizza pie, you're a dumbass
I think she would actually eat a penis if anyone was brave enough to let one near her mouth
all i remember is stealing his cheesepuffs and shaving my vagina in the hotel lobby
everybody makes mistakes
i didn't know they allowed you to text in ambulances
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
You should've come out last night, I need someone to explain why the bartender tried to strangle me...
The liquor store guy just accused me of buying alcohol of minors due to how many bottles I got. The guy should be used to this from me.
I woke up next to her boyfriend and she woke up next to mine....
This is like a fucked up game of musical chairs.
I've got beer and a bag of saltwater taffy and croutons, is that enough for this typhoon thing?
Looked for my lighter in the console and found more tampons. Seriously. You're like a squirrel prepping for a hard winter. A menstruating squirrel.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
This is exactly why you shouldn't bang your bartender. Although the awkward free shots are a plus.
I would eat the Denny's grand slam special out of my new probation officers b hole
I just got a lap dance from a kid in the coconut bra... So not drunk enough for this.
You had me at "let me see your balls"
I share a birthday weekend with Easter this year, so that fucking sucks. I hate sharing...and I have to share with fucking Jesus this year.\n
thank you for being so understanding of my weak stomach and poor self-control
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