um i just realized that some of the people at my family reunion look inbred. thats not a good sign.
hahaha beady eyes set close together? defs inbred.
my dads cousin just put a cig in his dogs mouth and says, "look its a commercial for newport!" holy hell i hope im adopted.
You don't understand how difficult it is to give head with cotton mouth
i've never smoked before...when you said wake and bake i thought you meant like a funeral bbq or something
I think the imperative here is that I literally knocked down a sorority house with the force of my dick.
Penises. Everywhere.
You're. Welcome.
I danced on the street to dubstep on a boombox for an hour with a lesbian single mother.
You might have crossed the line by jerking off while she was in the bathroom taking a prego test. Just saying
Actually I more feel like I'm on a ship about to grab the holy grail off an island
The ship is me being high the holy grail is some profound idea I'm about to have
I just spent 3 hours in the back of an unmarked police cruiser. Best. Date. Ever.
To be clear you just said "I'll give you a baby" as a sext?
Woke up on a lawn chair hugging a bottle of vodka. Hows your morning so far?
Don't do tequila. The Devil himself spits into shot glasses and we call it tequila. You will do bad things.
I made out with the hosts' boyfriend, infront of her, drank way too much, slept in my car and convinced everyone that I'm really a nice person. If that's not skilled lying, I don't know what is.
But I’m still curious to know... how did the homemade porno go?
all i know is that i woke up at 12:00 am in a shower with egg shell in my hair. i am 90% sure you are responsible.
Randomize
