i'm home, then i'll come over
ightttt gangstaaaaaaaaaaaa
nvm.
Do I have a sign around my neck that says "SWM desperately seeking ultra-plus-size woman that likes everything I do"? I swear they're organized
No, but you do have a sign around your neck that says "Free cupcakes."
Ohh the wonderful, yet disgusting things she can do with her hair
I just applied for an unsubsidized loan naked. I love the internet.
I actually told the people in the movie theatre to give me a cup and I would dip water from the toilet before I paid $4.50 for a bottle of water.
Hurry up. We're trading phones to prevent drunk texting.
You peed for a solid 5 minutes last night and turned around halfway through to give everyone watching a thumbs up
last night was the icing on my 3 week vodka binge cake
You threw a hot dog at his face...I wouldn't call you either.
I've never danced to a Michael Jackson song in a bar and left alone bro. Something in girls loves a guy who dances to mj
The creepiest man is serenading me at the bar right now. I had about a quarter of a drink left and the bartender just walked over and filled it with vodka and walked away laughing.
you take my contact solution?
drank it last night then filled it with brandy for the plane ride.
Gave her a puke bucket just in case. She filled the bottom of it with tears. Super sad. Although I am super proud she didn't puke. That was a lot of Fireball.
I need your opinion, is it ACTUALLY sweet that a booty call offered to walk me home with an umbrella because it was raining, or is that just low standards?
My life is over, I got a mugshot while wearing a shirt that said 'milf hunter'.
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