Just woke up naked in my storage cubby and some one rearragned my whole room?
no jk, not my room
So baked. Thought the twigs on the sidewalk were caterpillars with the ability to harden in self defense. Had to pick one up to be sure.
She was wearing a shirt that said "Just Do Me", holding a half of a bottle of Vodka, and was screaming at her friends "PUSSY JUST SWALLOW!" before she chugged the rest of the bottle.
Dude, if you don't take her, I will.
This girl named her kid Rainforrest. If I die, just know it was from laughing so fucking hard.
No, this time she was diabetic. I think I fucked her into diabetic shock.
there was a sad and surprising lack of "did strippers and blow" in that sentence
I mean, I'm all about sharing, but when he tells me about his wet dreams about Oprah, I think it's taking it too far.
I told him we couldn't hang out because I had strep, he said he's had it once so he couldn't get it again. The sex isn't worth this level of stupidity
first reaction to dying the pubes purple - awesome. Reaction after I explain the process - not awesome. Hypothesis? when girls find out you know to bleach and dye your hair, they're turned off.
things were going awesome until jimmy put out a cigarette in the everclear.
he has to serve us drink and appetizers in his french maid costume for the Pirates game tonight. Bring everyone.
that's the first time I've heard "shenanigans" and "apocalypse" in the same sentence
I wish I had a picture of me and ron helping that stripper lick her own vagina
The language barrier was annoying .... So we just had sex. That is how you deal with not being able to chat isn't it???
I thought I was really making her scream. Turns out she had a Lego jammed in her lower back.
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